Irrational Fears

What Scares You?

We need to talk

Written By: Amanda Luciano

I am a typical emotionally damaged American girl. I have storage space for my daddy issues. I have been through hell, with my family and in my love life. It's made me strong and It's made me kind. Ironically.

I always am empathetic to people in situations that I have survived. My childhood was filled with abuse, abandonment and tragedy. When I got out I kept running. I never lost the ability to love people despite how much I had been hurt, in fact I would argue that I loved people too deeply.

I remember the day I met Jordan, He was handsome and funny and there seemed to be some mysterious darkness to him. I immediately fell for him and we dated for just under three years. It started like a fairy tale. He was a singer in a rock band and the whole band took me in like they had been waiting for me to complete the group. We moved in together quickly and started dreaming about the rest of our lives together. It was early on that he told me about his "alter ego". He called him Faust. I didn't put much weight on it but there were occasional appearances of said alter ego, typically in high emotional or physical moments. I'll spare the details.

This alter ego of his seemed to be more violent, like a live wire I could never predict what would come out of his mouth or what he would do when he was like this.

I remember one night he stayed like that for hours, carrying on conversations about his past lives and the people he had murdered. It started to scare me then but I loved him. I wouldn't say that I didn't care but I was worried expressing concern about this would put him off or anger him in some way. I have always been scared of angering people, comes from years of getting my ass kicked for spilling a drink or having dinner ready late.

I decided to let it go and see if it subsided. It came up every now and then but he never hurt me and both Jordan in his conscious state and Faust told me they never would hurt me. Well, physically I guess.

We were six months into our relationship the first time he cheated on me. It was with his bass player, she was beautiful and very intimidating. I found out 4 days before my birthday. I still invited her to the party. I decided that it wasn't worth the prospect of what we had to not forgive him for it and so time moved on.

The next time was harder to swallow, a year and a half later and he hooked up with my best friend at a party we threw. Despite my willingness to take care of whatever needs he presented he seemed to always be somewhere else. I finally got out a year later. Not by choice unfortunately.

He woke up one day and said "I don't want you anymore." And there was fire in his eyes.

I packed what I could in my car and left. I thought later on that it had been a blessing in disguise. I would be better off for it.

I stayed with my mom for a few months before I could get in to my own place and start fresh.

It was just after I moved into my new place that I had started a new job, I would soon learn that he was hired just after me. I wrote it off to coincidence, experience in the same field could do that. It was a call center for mobile phone support and they were hiring a lot of people so it wasn't crazy.

We didn't see each other often but when we did it was horribly uncomfortable. He would ask how I was doing like he actually cared, put his hand on my arm, hug me for too long. I hated it and loved it at the same time. I feel disgusting even typing that. The encounters dwindled and I was doing well at work. I got a promotion to supervisor and I was ecstatic.

Finally some actual management experience, this was going to be really good for me. Just after i celebrated my first year with the company I met someone. He was nothing like any person I have ever met in my life. He had been hurt too and he took to joking about it to get by. That's how we met actually, two strangers cracked jokes about their exes screwing other people.

We started hanging out and almost immediately it clicked that this person was not like other people who had been in my life. He was kind and he worked hard and he was hilarious. He was careful about my feelings and he loved me, i think almost immediately. His name is Andrew.

I was back. I had a good job, a great guy, my own place. I was getting better.

In all this time it had taken awhile to untangle my life with Jordan but it was done. All of our bills were separate and we hadn't talked in months.

That's when shit started to roll down hill. Andrew and I were ready to move in together and were looking to start combing some things to save some money. It started with car insurance, Jordan had still been authorized on some of my accounts by pure over sight. He had cancelled it a month prior to me calling. I only found out by calling to get information as he had changed the mailing address to his own to divert me from being notified.

I was annoyed but corrected the information with the insurance company and had him removed as an authorized user. The same happened with my AT&T account. The worst being my bank account. It took me months to sort through everything with Wells Fargo, he had ordered new cards to his house and slowly started taking money from my accounts.

Instead of confronting him I just slowly cleaned everything up and continued on. Digging up anything with him was probably what he wanted. It wasn't until a couple weeks ago that I started to get scared.

He showed up at our house. The house he never knew about. The house I now lived with Andrew in. I didn't answer the door. I just sat on the floor in shock until he eventually left.

Then came the pictures. He started sending me selfies from INSIDE my house, with my dog. In my bedroom. I immediately called the police and explained everything. All the way back to the incident with my accounts, I started to think that he had been planning this all the way back to working with me.

The police were no help unfortunately. He got a slap on the wrist after saying it was a prank and them not being able to prove anything actually happened.

Andrew changed the locks that night and got some security cameras to install. This helped but I was still terrified. Why was he doing this? After all of this time. That all happened about two weeks ago and since installing the cameras it seems that nothing else would happened.

When I got home from work today I went straight to let the dogs out and then made my way upstairs to change my clothes. When I opened the top drawer of my dresser I noticed a small note card that said: "We need to talk. -Faust"

I turned around to grab my phone and almost crashed into him. Jordan was right there standing in front of me but he had this wild look in his eyes. I knew that whatever had been a part of him all this time was here with me now. I heard Andrews keys jingle into the door lock and gave my best scream.

Instinctively I protected my face, I don't know if I really thought he would hit me but some habits die hard. Before I knew it Andrew was there, embracing me. Yelling about what was wrong, there was no one there.

He tried to pull the footage for the security cameras but they were all destroyed.

I wasn't sure if Andrew believed me until he found a note of his own. His read: "I've killed stronger men. -Faust"

I have now begun to try to embarrassingly explain who Faust is to Andrew. I don't know what to do, I am terrified and I feel like there is no one that can help us.

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