Irrational Fears

What Scares You?

Don't call me princess

Written By: Amanda Luciano

I was a flower that bloomed in a wasteland.

The daughter of two drug addicted parents. I was alone a lot. Just me and my collection of Disney movies and stuffed companions. I used to watch those movies for entire days and dream that my life was different.

I was only eight years old when I was raped. My father had some friends over, they had all been drinking a few hours when I tip toed into the kitchen for some water. My father's friend had noticed me and called me over into the connecting living room.

Hesitantly I went, not wanting to get in trouble. They all made comments about how pretty I was and that I was becoming a beautiful young women. I was embarrassed, being in my beauty and the beast nightgown in front of a group of men I didn't know.

It was my father that held me down as his friends tore at my pajamas and took turns penetrating me.

My father. The one man in this world I am allowed to expect to protect me. He let this happen.

I remember rationalizing it later on in my life, it could have been my mother instead, I would tell myself. Little things to make me feel more like the heroine of the story rather than the victim of a crime.

I always dreamed of having a man in my life to protect me, not because I needed it but because it's the kind of love I never had.

Everybody responds to tragedy differently, some people grow cold and build walls. I somehow managed to stay soft and open-hearted. I was hopeful. There were better things in this world for me and I was going to find them.

As an adult I moved away to a smaller town, which for anonymity sake I will leave out. I had always wanted to live somewhere away from the city and it was nice to slow down.

When I met Jon I was over the moon. He was funny and confident and very sweet. We had met in a small book shop, he thought I was an employee and stopped me to ask a question. I knew the answer and didn't want to embarrass him. After showing him to the location of the book he was looking for he admitted that he had only been trying to strike a conversation with me. I remember how hot my cheeks got. I must have been an alarming shade of red.

He was a handsome man, very tall with short curly brown hair. He had the brightest blue eyes I had ever seen and his smile was right out of a story book.

I have never had a generous opinion of myself and I remember how elated I was that he had paid me any attention.

He asked me on a date and I agreed right away.

I hadn't had many relationships in my life, the scars of my childhood left me with pretty specific feelings about how things should be.

Because of this I am always up front about my expectations. To start, I don't like to have sex for a while. I like to get a decent amount of time in before letting someone all the way in. I told him this on our first date.

"Don't expect to sleep with me right away" I had nervously laughed.

He looked surprised but not upset, "That's not what I am here for." He flashed a smile.

He was so beautiful.

My heart told me to trust him right away but my head warned me to wait. In getting to know each other I had expressed how much I loved Disney movies and fairy tales. How they had been my escape in childhood. We had been dating for almost two weeks when he called me Princess.

My skin was electric at the sound. Something about it made me feel adored, everybody protects the princess.

Jon had invited me over to his place Saturday afternoon to watch a couple Disney movies and relax. I was so excited I could barely contain it. I agreed to bring the snacks and headed to his place.

Imagine my surprise as he held me down and whispered in my ear "Stay still Princess." As he tore at my Beauty and the Beast tank top.

When he was finally done he kissed me on the forehead and told me how pretty I looked.

Everything came to me then, no man was to ever do this to me again and I would make sure that he was the last.

As he buckled up his pants I slid to the other side of the couch and grabbed the knife I kept for protection. His back was to me at this point, I walked towards him and wrapped my arms up and around him. He chuckled then "So you liked that, huh? I could tell you wanted--" He choked off.

The blood ran over my hand. I twisted the knife into his stomach and he hunched over, choking on his own blood.

I leaned my face up to his ear and whispered. "Stay still Princess."

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